The Valley

I know I have friends eagerly awaiting miss Mikelle's birth story, but there is another story I need to tell first. 

Part One: The Valley

This is a story that I’ve wanted to share for a while. I’ve gone through a couple drafts. My time hasn’t been spent on correct grammar or sentence structure but rather on finding the right words. For over a year I’ve felt called to share this, the story of my time in the valley. 

The details were blurry for me up until around late December/early January of 2012/2013. I know that Elijah was born in October. I know that the holidays happened. I know that I was yelling at my children a lot. I know that I was a jerk to my husband. I know that I couldn’t handle even the littlest situation, like a poopy diaper or a crying baby. I can’t tell you for sure when it ‘got bad’ I just remember being there. I remember when it went bad. Jason remembers me telling him later that I poked myself with needles.

It was the day before Jason started back to work and I was done. I was a horrible mother and wife. In my mind my family deserved better. I couldn’t get my act together. I was so needy, testy, emotionally disconnected and overly emotional. Jason walked out of the house after I picked a nasty fight that he didn’t want, to finish up some work in his office. 

When he walked in only an hour or two later I was crying. I was kissing our children and telling them that I loved them. I was telling them goodbye. He knew something was wrong. I asked him to just take the children out for a bit. I asked him for some alone time, all the while crying. He refused to leave. He knew something was wrong. I remember begging and pleading with him to just leave.

Between the goodbye hugs and kisses, the pleadings he got the picture. He understood even better than I did. Something was wrong. He asked me what I was going to do while he was gone. I wouldn’t tell him. He said he wouldn’t leave until I told him. I lied to him. I told him I was just going to take a shower. He didn’t believe and said he wasn’t leaving. 

After over an hour of talking me down he knew I wasn’t planning anything great. He said we had a problem and that we needed to fix it. I’m not sure how we got to this point but I remember telling him I needed help and felt like I couldn’t ask for it. Two days later he started a semester of four classes of graduate level work. 

A note on suicidal thoughts: those thoughts seem rational when you are depressed. I’ve always viewed people who committed suicide as people who weren’t close to God, who sinned. In my mind if you were depressed it meant you weren’t right with God. I know that poking myself with a needle is harmful. I get that, now. In the moment it felt like the right thing to do. I get that committing suicide is harmful. I get that, now. In the moment it felt like the only solution. I cannot tell you how much I cried out to God to help me. I don’t feel like He abandoned me, I just felt like I was failing as a Christian mommy and wife. It made sense to me. I see now how sad that is. I see now that Satan was attacking. This is why I’m writing out my story.

My husband who was just as oblivious as me to my mental state asked me one simple question. ‘Do you think you are depressed?’ Eventually we got to the answer that yes, I was depressed. Things changed after that. He is an amazing man with a great heart, I am so blessed. He asked me what I needed and basically, I needed help with everything. If I couldn’t handle something, he left work and came home. He never let me get back to that breaking point. He helped me decide how I wanted to beat this post-partum depression and he was behind me 100% as long as we were making progress. We changed our routines. They seemed like little things but cutting out homemade from scratch meals, having help with the housework and kiddos helped. It wasn’t perfect by any means. I still broke down, I still couldn’t handle life, but I learned to let go of things. 

A big part of dealing with PPD for me was trying to figure out whether I should or should not use medicine. I felt shame in using pharmaceuticals to help. Jason and I implemented many changes in our household in the beginning of 2013 in an effort to help me fight the battle of PPD. I took it as a spiritual challenge as well and spent a lot of time in prayer, crying out to God, listening to music that reminded me of my purpose and reading the bible. As much as I learned and grew through the spiritual side I still wasn’t Heather. I wasn’t me. I had to overcome the shame of using medicine. It was very personal for me. 

I was only on my medicine for about 2 months before my hormones started regulating themselves. I went from a place of hopelessness to happiness once I started on the medicine. I know I made the right decision because I was able to be the mom and the wife that I needed and wanted to be. I really appreciate that my family stood by me while I fought to combat the depression but I loved being able to give back to them. And then I went from happiness to feeling like super mom. I mean it. I could tell when I didn’t need the medicine. I weaned myself off of my medicine while Jason was away on a 2 ½ week mission trip. In hindsight had I not been ready that wasn’t the best time to stop taking them but, I did great. I didn’t feel depressed anymore. I felt normal and happy and myself.

I’ve had to spend a lot of time processing this time of my life because it has impacted me in many ways. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown closer to God, my husband and my children. We process things differently. I let go a lot easier. Things are just things. I would love for my children to eat perfectly healthy but more importantly I’d love for them to be raised in a loving, Godly home with daddy and mommy. The little things are little things.

 

In sharing my story I want it to be clear that I’m not doing this for attention or more advice. I want it to be a part of my testimony. I grew up in a Christian family. I grew to love the faith my parents taught me. It has always been a prayer of mine that I follow Him no matter what, even in the darkest times. January 2013 specifically was a very dark time for me. I had rationalized that I would commit suicide. Satan found a battle ground and he started waging war on my faith. While I did tackle the hormonal imbalance with medicine I recognize that Satan saw this mental weakness as a perfect opportunity to attack me. I fought back. I was so very shaped by the war, by the everyday battles. I came out stronger, more dedicated and more in love with my Savior. Satan, he lost. It’s the story of his life. This is the story of my life.

My mom’s wisdom:

I was sharing and reflecting on my story with my mom on our trip to Houston and she pointed out something that seemed profound to me that I wanted to add it to my story. She feels that Satan purposely picks the post-partum time to prey on families. If he can get a mother to disconnect from her family or even take her life then he not only impacts one person, he impacts an entire family and even generations to come. I found this to be so true for me. If I let the thoughts that Satan was pouring over my PPD impact me negatively I would have taken my life. God uses the family to spread the Gospel and he mimics the church after the family because it is such an influential sphere. I believe in spiritual warfare and I believe that Satan sees the tender time that a new mommy faces and he sees the hormones that play a role in learning how to be a mom. He takes that tender precious time and wages war, not just for one person here on earth, but for an entire family for eternity. Part of why I’m sharing my testimony is show he doesn’t have power, God has the power. Satan can’t win unless we let him win. And I don’t want him to win.

 

Elijah P

Since little man is 'sweetly' reminding me of his presence...I thought I'd reflect on his song and or prayers for him. Sometimes I need a little reminder to keep me grounded.

After Adley, it was a set tradition in our home that we would pick a hymn to dedicate to each of our children. I love singing to them in utero, right after birth, in the rocking chair at home and in church. We sing in the car too.

This was the first hymn that Adley fully learned the words to. She sang this with us almost every night before bed as we prepared nine months for his arrival. She loves leading this song at pretend church with her dollies. And, I could be crazy but I think he calms down just a little when he hears his song.

Where He Leads I'll Follow

Sweet are the promises, kind is the word,
Dearer far than any message man ever heard;
Pure was the mind of Christ, sinless I see;
He the great example is, and pattern for me.

Refrain

Where He leads I’ll follow,
Follow all the way.
Where He leads I’ll follow,
Follow Jesus ev’ry day.

Sweet is the tender love Jesus hath shown,
Sweeter far than any love that mortals have known;
Kind to the erring one, faithful is He;
He the great example is, and pattern for me.

Refrain

List to His loving words, “Come unto Me”;
Weary, heavy laden, there is sweet rest for thee;
Trust in His promises, faithful and sure;
Lean upon the Savior, and thy soul is secure.

Refrain

Simply put, we pray that you Elijah will go where He leads you. We pray that you see Him as your example and pattern. We will fail you, He will not. Lean on Him, trust in Him. We pray that your soul is secure.
We love you and hope this is your anthem for life's journey.

Love,
Mama

Adley's Song

Hey sweet girl,

Bedtime for young children is steeped with much tradition that varies from home to home. I'm not sure how we started this tradition, but I'm glad we did. Usually you hear the phrase, 'just one more story'. Our focus is a little different.

While bedtime at our house varies from time to time our traditions stay about the same. When you are dressed and ready for bed we read a bible story, sing a song and pray.

Before you were born I sang a song to you. Since you were a tiny baby we've sung this song to you almost every night.
We sort of dedicated this song to you.
We wanted the words to something that you took with you throughout your life and embraced as a theme or anthem of sorts.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

This was my favorite hymn is high school. I loved the idea of an Ebenezer. I tried sleeping with one to remember, it didn't work out to well. :-)

My prayer is that as we sing these words to you you listen to the words and the meaning behind them. My prayer for you is that you give your heart to God and let him seal it for his courts above.

Love,
Mommy

What You Say To Young Women

Dear Children,

After writing one hundred blogs that I haven't published, I'm realizing one thing. I am a broken mom who struggles with a sin infected world. I'm not perfect. I realize that in posting you may not have my struggles and you may not relate, but I do feel that you will later see how my parenting shaped you into who you are. And maybe you will understand why you are so messed up. ;-)

Here is my current soapbox that I want to share with you.

This article shows a part what I feel like a lot of young women are facing today.
While the feminist movement came in waves, even 50 years ago the majority of women's roles in our society did not exist outside the home.
So now we are in this new phase that makes it extremely difficult for young women.

Here are some real life examples. I know young women, myself included in these positions.

• Here is a young mom who didn't go to college or finish her degree but stays at home with kiddos. She hears this: you need to go back and finish your degree, what are you going to do when they leave, etc... 
• Here is a young mom who did finish her college education but stays home with kiddos. She hears this: it is a shame you wasted four years of your life, you aren't even using your degree, etc...
• Here is a young mom where her level of education doesn't matter. This young mom has hit a new level. She has more than two kids. She hears 'true' opinion about overpopulation and people wonder if she is the new octo-mom.
• Here is a young mom who works in a full-time job and puts her children in daycare. She hears this: you must not care about your kiddos, you can afford to stay at home so you aren't trying, etc...
• Here is a young woman that finished her higher education. She is happily married but doesn't have kids and is working on her career. She hears this: when are you having kids, you must not like kids, why haven't you had kids yet, etc...
• Or she stays at home and volunteers but doesn't have kids. She hears this: you must have infertility issues, old-fashioned, wasting valuable time, etc...
• Or the young woman who cannot have children. She also hears a blur of negative or unthoughtful words.
• There is also another group of young women that I see caught in this chasm. The young single successful woman who isn't married yet. She hears a slew of 'non-intentional' sweetness as well.

You can sum young womanhood up like this. Wrong if you do, wrong if you don't. (I used nicer words here.)

While I am blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family I know young women who do not. These comments and thoughts have come from family, friends, acquaintances and random strangers at the store.

This is why I see it as a new phase in the movement towards defining women's roles. I guess I didn't realize until I didn't finish my degree and motherhood was upon me that our society was so biased and yet undecided about women's roles. I have even heard two very opposite things from the same person!
There is an obvious lack of tact, a lack of trust in the successful young woman and an abundance of 'true' opinion.

As a Christian young woman who is bombarded with constantly making the wrong decision about my chosen career field, I feel it necessary to stand up and ask for change.

I'm not pro-feminism or pro-bonbons, I'm pro-God. I believe that He calls all of us to serve Him and in very different ways. I'm ready for the Christians and non-Christians to recognize that we all have a calling, and it often doesn't match up with others opinions, so keep it to yourself. :-) Seriously though, random strangers really need to stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my life! I'm going to work on changing this, starting with me.

With Love

Here is My Advice

There is something mysterious, unexplainable that happens when you give birth to a baby.
You have no knowledge about babies, how to raise them, how to best care for them (no matter how much you read 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting') and yet, you have been given the job, by God.

Adley,

Here is my advice...

Right now in my life I struggle with parenting a lot. I'm very passionate about being a mother and honestly, Satan is bent on taking the passion right out of me.
He uses things like...
well meaning advice from family, friends and acquaintances,
the doctor's office,
the diapers I use,
the food I feed you,
the way I train you,
the education or lack of education I provide you,
the government,
and, the latest statistics,
to make me feel very inadequate. He uses those things to show me how ill prepared I am for being a mother. He is wants to show me how little I know. He also uses those things to contradict each other. He shows me two statistics that contradict each other, two doctors that disagree, friends who know best and other friends who know better.
Some days, he totally beats me up. I feel that it is my job to raise you to the best of my ability and just when I think I'm doing alright, he shows up with the evils of preservatives in our daily sandwich meat and juice.
He also wants me to feel that my job is very inadequate.
He says...
You don't have a college degree,
you just stay at home,
the government does better at raising your children,
children eventually realize that they want to be better and don't need any sort of training,
you work 40 hours a week...you must be a bad mom,
homeschooling is horrible,
you hold your child too much,
you don't hold your child enough,
you let your babies cry too long, it will ruin them,
you don't let your babies cry and that will ruin them,
public school is horrible,
and really the list goes on.
My dear daughter I want to point out something to you. The point you need to recognize, the point I'm learning is that Satan is the one trying to put me out of a job. Not just any job, a job that, according to Psalms 139 God laid out for you in my womb while He was knitting you together. No wonder Satan wants to destroy that. If he can make me feel like a failure and make me want to quit then he wins. He wins, not just me, all of us.
I have received two pieces of advice that make the most sense. I want to share these with you.

First, you will fail as a parent. You will not be perfect. You will mess up. How you raise your children will effect them even as a grown up. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I want to be the best parent possible and to raise you in the best way possible. I know I can can't.

Second, if you put your focus on what is truly most important, the little failures won't matter. The phrase that stuck out to me the most was, 'if my children never learn to tie their shoes, read or write, but they love God, I haven't failed.' Those are pretty powerful words. We haven't really lived these ones out yet, so I realize my advice sounds pretty premature. You are nearly three and your brother is nearing eight months. I can't explain my faith in great knowledgeable terms but I do believe that the Bible spends more time talking about how to live to follow Christ than our sandwich meat or education background so this advice makes sense.

Don't worry yourself about taking everyone's advice. If God has ordained you to be a mother, He will equip you for the calling. You will have to lean on Him and trust Him and give (this is the hardest part) 'your' children to Him. And really, I give you sugary snacks, so I'm doomed otherwise. :)

Love,
Mommy

In my Father's arms

Dear Adley,

You've been earthside almost three years now and your sweet heart in our home has been such a blessing. You have taught me so much about my faith in God.
Lately in your prayers at home, during church, when Papa prays, even at a restaurant you have been reminding us to thank God for holding us in his arms. We have been experiencing some pretty strong storms the past few days and last night the thunder was particularly loud. You slept a good chunk of the night in your daddy's arms.
When you got up this morning you told me that you felt safe from the storm when daddy was holding you in his arms, just like God holds us in His arms.
Your precious sweet child faith gets me, every time.

I love you,
Mommy

lessons learned

Dear A, 

The birth process and newborn stage with taught me so much about the love of my mother. There is something so special between a mother and her daughter. I have always loved your Nana but I respected her and loved with unspeakable love after I had you. 

I am so grateful that your birth allowed me grow in respect, love and my relationship with my mom. I pray that you and I will grow together as well. 

Love,

Mom